I started getting into crystals after I encountered them a second time. I found a place in the Haight that had quite an abundance of crystals, and I made sure to pick some up before returning to Orange County.
Yesterday, one of my best friends drove up from San Diego and stopped by to see me. We talked a lot about how our consciousness(es) are out of this world, if you will. I gave her a Blue Kyanite crystal to assist her third eye. She ended up sleeping over last night, and she left her crystal out in the open.
Last night was surreal in the sense that the both of us got high without psychedelics. It was absolutely unbelievable because three years ago, when I used to take psychedelics, I would always get this extremely anxious feeling, and having that feeling manifest out of nowhere last night was intense.
It was a wonderful feeling, but being able to access a high like that without actively using a drug or what have you was… I don’t know… I was speechless. I don’t know how to meditate quite deeply just yet, and having something like that happen to me with someone who shares similar experiences made me feel valid.
I haven’t met many people who are like me. I’ve met people who can discuss what we have but do not have any personal experience with it… outside of psychedelics.
It was a lot. I don’t know. You know?
- 4 days ago
- 1 week ago
A Moment of Silence for a B-Girl
I am all kinds of hurt, and I am all kinds of lost.
Rest in power, Bernadette. I’ll keep MOVING for you.
- 1 week ago
You want to be a healer?
Then be a healer.
But you aren’t a healer.
Your love is wrapped beneath the fingers that formulate your fist.
And your light? Your light is the night that sits heavily above a busy city skyline.
And it’s beautiful because you keep fighting.
And it’s beautiful because you keep lighting up the the sky.
But sometimes, love is an open palm, an exchange that cannot be fulfilled with a bump of fists. Sometimes, love is kissing your palms and blowing them in the direction of a particular person. And we don’t have to hold a lot of love all the time. Sometimes, love is like sand that slips between your fingers, and you find yourself leaving these little pieces of love everywhere. And finding them once again is like knowing that you are taking care of yourself.
And sometimes, light is letting the moon and the stars be your guide. It is distinguishing what lights in your life need to be turned on and turned off and if you even needed that light bulb at all, no matter how energy-saving it may be. And our light may not always be bright, but our light will be just enough to show us what we need to see. Light is learning how to energize and give life.
It may be in your blood to be a healer, but tell me, when was the last time you restored yourself?
- 2 weeks ago
The way in which I discuss biological parents here is not so much as an undertow to put forth family as an essential organizational unit where learning is most important. Dominant social structures have created boundaries and expectations of family, sullying the idea that family can be and is a community that is of shared learning. Furthermore, family, especially how queer communities utilize the term as a way to identify those who inhabit and perform alternative conceptions of life outside of dominant relations of power, especially in terms of gender, sex, and sexuality, is a process of solidarity that respects the way in which we embody difference.
But very specifically, I want to have a conversation about coming to terms with the people who gave birth to you, your family, and how these people, though raised in a particular time, space, and energy, have left within you a queerness that they might not like, accept, and understand…
- 3 weeks ago
- 3 weeks ago
The second half of this week really disappointed me. Here’s why.
(0) I have to remember that there are people in my life, soulmates even, that will offer their time, energy, and space for me despite distance and, in my case, lack of transportation. These are the people that are worth my love, strength, and rage.
(2) I’m not opposed to the #ALSIceBucketChallenge. If you’d like to raise awareness for a disease by pouring a bucket of ice water all over yourself in the midst of California’s worst drought, by all means, you do you, boo. However, this type of participation isn’t necessarily sustainable. It’s temporary. That’s how charity works.
(3) None of my coworkers on Facebook are addressing the systems of violence that are taking place here in the US, most especially Ferguson, as well as in the West Bank and Gaza, but all of them are participating in this challenge for charity.
I do want to address what is happening in Ferguson in particular. Do you not understand that there are structures of violence that criminalize the mere existence of people of color, most especially black people? There are structures of violence that call for the death of people of color, and this is a normalized thing. Do you not understand that? This is a multifaceted issue that will not allow you to use the word “ghetto” as valid reasoning. If you think your life is based on pulling yourself up by your bootstraps, may capitalism never be in your favor. There isn’t a charity for you to donate to when it comes to shit like this. So, what are you going to do about it?
(4) If you wanted to know how “real” the struggle looks like, this is it because this is what we have to think about every damn day, and sometimes, I am just tired of all this hustling.
(5) Today, I had a guest tell me a joke regarding Native Americans. A week ago, I had a coworker mention the genocide of Native Americans but immediately swept it under the rug as the information was said in a “fun fact” sort of discourse. Who the fuck do all of you think you are?
(6) I don’t know if people believe in community anymore.
Can you tell how angrier I’ve gotten as I went down this sort of list?
Besides all of this running through my head, there is of course this discussion of depression most especially in regards to the recent passing of Robin Williams. But really, I want to give a hand to those, including myself, that continue to offer resources, especially in the form of re/blogging, that look into the lives of people who are living with and who have lived with depression. You are the people that save me everyday.
There were highlights to my week, and the biggest one is meeting someone. Well, it wasn’t so much meeting someone so much as it was finally exchanging contact information. There is something I must mention to this. I tend to surround myself with intuitive, queer people, and he is one that has completely caught me off guard, especially considering that he is white as well as Native American.
I definitely miss home. I just don’t know how to get there, which says a lot. I’m mostly worrying about ways to get to the airport.
Lastly, I am hoping for a beautiful week next week. I shall leave you with something I told myself a couple of weeks ago.
Celebrate me in ways that sustain who I am and in ways that heighten who I am whenever I am whole. [Always, I am whole because always, I am enough.]
Celebrate yourself everyday in ways small and big.
- 1 month ago
my ultimate goal is to be at peace with myself, eliminate toxic feelings and elements and energies from my life, unlearn negative and harmful practices and thought patterns, stop checking for people that don’t check for me, create a space for myself that is nurturing for growth so that i may generate loving energy for myself and for others, nourish my spirit and balance my energies, i have big dreams and i deserve to live a life i love and let that love radiate
- 1 month ago
- date the kind of people who will still respect you when you no longer love them
- date the kind of people who will still respect you when they no longer love you
- do not waste your emotional capacities on people whose respect for you is conditional
this is terribly important
- 1 month ago
I’ve been taking time here and there to get back to who I am, but it hasn’t been enough even though it’s been enough, you know what I mean. Finally, it’s become the forefront of my life.
There are cores within me that have shifted more than transformed. I haven’t been so centered and so grounded and so full within this past year, and that’s what I needed. I hate saying that.
Unbecoming, and all that jazz, has been difficult. To unlearn who you have become is… a step towards becoming who you need to be right now, and it’s an ongoing process for sure. But how I’ve held onto who I was for so long surprises me. I’ve been a bag lady.
It’s difficult to pain something as powerful as you. As for myself, I feel so broken, and there’s a liberation to that. I think I’m letting go of having to be so damn strong all the damn time. Rather, I feel more confident, and that’s different. I just need to calm down.
If I can say one last thing… I haven’t been vulnerable in terms of my love life since the beginning of the year, and even then, I’m not too sure if I was vulnerable enough or vulnerable at all. I haven’t felt loved much lately. I don’t know.
- 1 month ago