Palimpsest 1.2

The way in which I discuss biological parents here is not so much as an undertow to put forth family as an essential organizational unit where learning is most important. Dominant social structures have created boundaries and expectations of family, sullying the idea that family can be and is a community that is of shared learning. Furthermore, family, especially how queer communities utilize the term as a way to identify those who inhabit and perform alternative conceptions of life outside of dominant relations of power, especially in terms of gender, sex, and sexuality, is a process of solidarity that respects the way in which we embody difference.

But very specifically, I want to have a conversation about coming to terms with the people who gave birth to you, your family, and how these people, though raised in a particular time, space, and energy, have left within you a queerness that they might not like, accept, and understand…

  • 18 hours ago
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"People belong in your life by natural vibration, not forced will or expectation."

  • 2 days ago
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The second half of this week really disappointed me. Here’s why.

(0) I have to remember that there are people in my life, soulmates even, that will offer their time, energy, and space for me despite distance and, in my case, lack of transportation. These are the people that are worth my love, strength, and rage.

(2) I’m not opposed to the #ALSIceBucketChallenge. If you’d like to raise awareness for a disease by pouring a bucket of ice water all over yourself in the midst of California’s worst drought, by all means, you do you, boo. However, this type of participation isn’t necessarily sustainable. It’s temporary. That’s how charity works.

(3) None of my coworkers on Facebook are addressing the systems of violence that are taking place here in the US, most especially Ferguson, as well as in the West Bank and Gaza, but all of them are participating in this challenge for charity.

I do want to address what is happening in Ferguson in particular. Do you not understand that there are structures of violence that criminalize the mere existence of people of color, most especially black people? There are structures of violence that call for the death of people of color, and this is a normalized thing. Do you not understand that? This is a multifaceted issue that will not allow you to use the word “ghetto” as valid reasoning. If you think your life is based on pulling yourself up by your bootstraps, may capitalism never be in your favor. There isn’t a charity for you to donate to when it comes to shit like this. So, what are you going to do about it?

(4) If you wanted to know how “real” the struggle looks like, this is it because this is what we have to think about every damn day, and sometimes, I am just tired of all this hustling.

(5) Today, I had a guest tell me a joke regarding Native Americans. A week ago, I had a coworker mention the genocide of Native Americans but immediately swept it under the rug as the information was said in a “fun fact” sort of discourse. Who the fuck do all of you think you are?

(6) I don’t know if people believe in community anymore.

Can you tell how angrier I’ve gotten as I went down this sort of list?

Besides all of this running through my head, there is of course this discussion of depression most especially in regards to the recent passing of Robin Williams. But really, I want to give a hand to those, including myself, that continue to offer resources, especially in the form of re/blogging, that look into the lives of people who are living with and who have lived with depression. You are the people that save me everyday.

There were highlights to my week, and the biggest one is meeting someone. Well, it wasn’t so much meeting someone so much as it was finally exchanging contact information. There is something I must mention to this. I tend to surround myself with intuitive, queer people, and he is one that has completely caught me off guard, especially considering that he is white as well as Native American.

I definitely miss home. I just don’t know how to get there, which says a lot. I’m mostly worrying about ways to get to the airport.

Lastly, I am hoping for a beautiful week next week. I shall leave you with something I told myself a couple of weeks ago.

Celebrate me in ways that sustain who I am and in ways that heighten who I am whenever I am whole. [Always, I am whole because always, I am enough.]

Celebrate yourself everyday in ways small and big.

  • 1 week ago
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my ultimate goal is to be at peace with myself, eliminate toxic feelings and elements and energies from my life, unlearn negative and harmful practices and thought patterns, stop checking for people that don’t check for me, create a space for myself that is nurturing for growth so that i may generate loving energy for myself and for others, nourish my spirit and balance my energies, i have big dreams and i deserve to live a life i love and let that love radiate

(Source: llleighsmith)

  • 2 weeks ago
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  • date the kind of people who will still respect you when you no longer love them
  • date the kind of people who will still respect you when they no longer love you
  • do not waste your emotional capacities on people whose respect for you is conditional

this is terribly important

  • 2 weeks ago
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I’ve been taking time here and there to get back to who I am, but it hasn’t been enough even though it’s been enough, you know what I mean. Finally, it’s become the forefront of my life.

There are cores within me that have shifted more than transformed. I haven’t been so centered and so grounded and so full within this past year, and that’s what I needed. I hate saying that.

Unbecoming, and all that jazz, has been difficult. To unlearn who you have become is… a step towards becoming who you need to be right now, and it’s an ongoing process for sure. But how I’ve held onto who I was for so long surprises me. I’ve been a bag lady.

It’s difficult to pain something as powerful as you. As for myself, I feel so broken, and there’s a liberation to that. I think I’m letting go of having to be so damn strong all the damn time. Rather, I feel more confident, and that’s different. I just need to calm down.

If I can say one last thing… I haven’t been vulnerable in terms of my love life since the beginning of the year, and even then, I’m not too sure if I was vulnerable enough or vulnerable at all. I haven’t felt loved much lately. I don’t know.

  • 2 weeks ago
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I’m open to going on dates.

  • 3 weeks ago

6+ Selfies, tagged by qgaginang.

Would you like to share, chasingtendrils, enviousnv, briandubz, indak, deadstarplayer, and corazonacorazon?

  • 3 weeks ago
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Finding Community, Part 1

I don’t think people realize I am not as hammy as I am at work. I’m actually a pretty quiet person, and I’m sure those of you that have hung out with me outside of work know that.

I get pretty real outside of work, and I do have to make that distinction and use that particular terminology because as much as I am invested in making people happy, both guests and coworkers, I am very concerned for the well being of individuals. If you ever listen to the tone of voice I use when asking anybody, “How are you?”, you’ll know. I want to know.

I don’t know why people would rather complain about the ways in which work, well, bothers them. I’m sure your life does not revolve around work, and there is so much more for us to discuss in order to connect. Emotions, paired with empathy, is powerful. Communicate.

I need a retreat - a retreat from work, a retreat from the people at work.

  • 3 weeks ago

I’ve been thinking of characteristics about myself that could make me a healthy partner for you.

  • I’ll share food.
  • I’ll make playlists, otherwise formerly known as mixtapes.
  • I’ll be accountable of and transparent with my thoughts, feelings, and imaginations.

I’m sure there is more, but these ones must be good, right?

  • 3 weeks ago
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